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As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men again.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men have open relationships, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change in the future; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a life-changing chance to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.